What a week

It is has been a busy week for me as I have now started my job and I can say that I am going to love it!

I’ve had early mornings this week but treated myself to Starbucks to help the time go by. I was so nervous when I met everyone on the induction day but I can honestly say that I have loved meeting them, as for once I am happy in my own mind and body.

I was nervous and apprehensive because I felt that I could be judged or that a certain someone would try to cause trouble for me. I actually told myself that “I can do this!” and now I am honestly so happy that I have made this choice and that I have put myself out there in the world.

I have met some lovely people that I will be working with and I know that I will be happy to be working with them as we just get on so well already, it is like we have known each other for more than this short while. This feels a really nice vibe as it gives me a sense of belonging (this is something I haven’t felt for ages).

After a dark couple of months and experiencing the things that I have I have now found the light that I have been looking for. I am happy and at peace with my own mind. You’re probably thinking, how can I know that from one week? Well I have made the effort this week, I want to make the most out of all of this and I want people to see the real me, so by being honest and true to myself I can say that I am finally doing something for me and not something to please some else and that feeling is priceless. I have travelled back home on a train, I have made my way around unfamiliar places which might not sound a lot to some people but it is a massive achievement for me as in the past I was told that I couldn’t / wouldn’t ever do that because I didn’t have the confidence to do that, so to my ex I say this Em was always here but you never wanted her to fly solo but she can do this and she will do this!

WELL LOOK AT ME NOW! HAPPY

NEW CHAPTER IN MY LIFE STARTED

CAN DO THINGS ON MY OWN

FINALLY BUILDING UP MY CONFIDENCE

I start on the ward next week and this is something I am so looking forward to as I am ready for it!

All I can say is that it is my time to shine now and I am not going to look back.

This is my journey of discovery, Em is out of that box and I am climbing that wall all by myself, I don’t need any lad to hold my hand or make me second guess myself. The next relationship I will have will be equal, with someone who loves and cares for me in the right ways, who wants me in their life just as much as I want them to be in mine.

~Stay away from negative people. They have a problem for every solution~

Em xo

Blessings

In the words of Tom Walker ” and counting our blessings, but it don’t take us too long cause our lives are not like a movie or a Katy Perry song”

My life has definitely not been like a movie lately, in fact for the last two weeks I have been looking after my grandad in hospital. My mum has to sort out a lot of stuff at home so it was my time to stand up and help out more. It’s been hard seeing this proud man struggle so much, he has been really ill after having a big operation on his stomach. I have tried to help him keep his spirits up and I have been the eyes and ears for my mum. It has been a big insight for me as well in to life working in a hospital. I have loved it and it has made me realise that my decision to give up university study was the right one.

Tomorrow I start my new job and I am really excited. So I am having an early night because I have to be up at like 6:00am! I’ve just watched a post by Jay Shetty on Facebook (if anyone doesn’t know him I highly recommend listening to him because he makes more sense than anyone I know). This post just summed up what I am /need to do right now…

6 Healthy ways to be alone after heartbreak

1: Don’t lower your standards, this is our opportunity to get to know ourselves, if you want someone to fall in love with you, you have to fall in love with yourself first, our biggest mistake is trying to get to know other peoples interests before our own and we learn what makes other people happy when we should be learning what makes us happy. knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.

2: Don’t chase anyone. If you have to chase someone that means that they don’t want to be with you! This is your time to chase your own dreams, your passion and your purpose.

3: Start a hobby. This is your time to try something new or to reconnect with an interest that you did before.

4: Learn something new. Our happiness is linked to how much we are progressing and learning about ourselves and life. This is your time to learn.

5: Live with intention. Start living your life with intention, don’t give life half measures, understand why you are doing things and with what purpose.

6: Talk to yourself. The most important call you will make each day is with yourself, understand your emotions and navigate your mind so that you are comfortable with being alone. Instead of finding an escape or finding another person to get attached to learn to be comfortable with yourself and at peace with your own thoughts. if we never learn to be alone we will always feel that we are lonely.

(Jay Shetty 3rd December 2018)

I have definitely learned what is important recently and chasing people who don’t treat me right is of no interest to me anymore. I can’t save everyone and finally I am ready to say that it is about saving myself from now on. I will not change in the way I care about others but I will not allow my kindness or my past to be used against me anymore.

This is my time to shine…

~ live life for yourself and no one else~

Em xo

Fandom

Tom Walker
Like my T-shirt?

The one thing I can thank my ex for is introducing me to the fantastic Tom Walker

Today my signed CD and T-shirt arrived…I am a very happy girl, what a great CD it is, I can not wait for the tour now next month.

and he liked my tweet as well…buzzing 🙂

Life at its best

“How can you sleep at night”

Enjoy your weekend

~Make every day count as if it were your last~

Em xo

Normal?

I’ve been looking after my grandad while he has been in hospital making sure that my nan gets to see him and sitting with them. It’s been a tough time for all my family as grandad was in intensive care for 2 days and we have all been worried loads. Seeing these two people together who have been married 51 years makes me realise what true love it. They argue loads but they can’t live without each other and that’s something I hope I get to experience one day myself.

Being around them has made me again think about how we react to things. Me and my ex just literally don’t speak anymore and slowly over the last 6 months all our history has been deleted in one way or another. It feels like now that our relationship never existed at all. All my pictures are gone, he’s not a friend on any social media and i’m probably never going to see him again. Does that make me sad? a bit because we couldn’t even work things out to stay at least friends.

I am not perfect but I have come a long way in how I see and deal with things now because all this has made me strong. I can’t change how he reacts to things and how he sees me as all that is his choice. I gave him chance to open up to me as a friend and he slammed that door time and time again so I can’t do anything else but accept that it is what it is.

I really do hope he finds what he is looking for in a partner.

Me… I will keep looking for the love like my grandparents because that is what true love is!

~You will look for me in everyone you meet, but you will never find me because I am unique~

Em xo

For Mum

I am writing this blog for my mum as it has been a hard and stressful couple of days for her.

My grandad was admitted to hospital on Friday and wasn’t seen until 2:30am and my mum only got back at 5am. She only had 4 hours sleep as the next day she had to pick up my nan so that they are all together looking after my grandad.

Over the last 48 hours I have seen and heard how upset and stressed my mum is at the moment. A lot of this is mine and my sisters fault as we have not been helpful as we forget that mum has feelings and that this situation isn’t something she expected to happen.

She doesn’t sleep as she is always overthinking at night and that’s because she cares for others and wears her golden heart on her sleeve. But she is struggling, she is human like us all. She has had many mental and emotional battles over the years but she fights as hard as she can. This time it is different, I am upset to see her this hurt and worried all the time. I want to help her, I don’t know how? I do start doing things such as cleaning for her when she is mad with me because I think that it will ease the madness in this house. I know that this doesn’t work as the problems are still there but just covered up with cracks.

I love my mum so much and really want to help as she has always been there for me through all my battles and I want to return that to her as she should not face her battles alone.

When me and my mum argue (well she just talks at me as I don’t respond) I see her thoughts and feelings. I see how much she takes on with work. family life and friends as she always sees the best in people, and this means that at times she gets walked over as she is expected to do things for others. I can say that I do this to her, I take her for granted as I have never experienced her not being around.

I’ve had times where I wanted to swear at my mum but I don’t because I see that as disrespectful so I keep it in.

Whenever anything happens I always go to my mum first as she is like my best friend, and yeah I don’t have anyone else to turn to but I’d rather turn to my mum, I maybe need to stop as she doesn’t need this worry.

I have just found out that my grandad is not in a good way and I am worried for him. I know that my mum is not going to be in a good way as this is her dad and can see him really unwell. I just want to give my mum a big cuddle and say that he is strong and it will be okay.

I am sorry for my stupid and selfish ways.

Mum if you are reading this I love you, and I want to be here for you in the best way I can. I won’t know how you feel but I know that there is a lot of heartbreak for you right now.

Stay strong mum and always ask or take some help from others.

Massive Hugs to you ❤

Em xo

Life

Life has given me it’s fair share of shitty experiences but each one gives me a lesson and after yesterday the lesson was…expect the expected. I am guilty of double standards let’s face it we all are sometimes, because I am on Tinder and I saw my ex was on Tinder too, there’s no point in trying to reason with people about why I was so mad because they wouldn’t understand because they weren’t in my 3 year relationship they didn’t see what went on. I am no saint and I can be the bitch from hell, but I am an honest bitch I know all my faults and I admit them and I try to work hard to make myself a better person.

I reacted out of hurt but at the end of the day it was me who ended the relationship…why? in the hope that he would change and see that I loved him more than life itself, who was I fooling because we had those discussions time and time again and each time things would be the same, in the end i just got tired of hearing the same old shit. So the relationship became toxic. We did have good times but not enough.

I was going to delete my post from yesterday but that would make me a liar because I did say all that stuff and I did mean all that stuff it wasn’t ok to be critical but it was ok to be honest. Lies just catch you out FACT!

As for Tinder that is also a lesson learned I’m not going to find happiness there and at this time in my life other things are more important. As for my ex I have to accept that they don’t want or need me in their life anymore and that It is what it is, you can’t fix that which is unfixable.

I hope he finds what he’s looking for because no one deserves to be alone in life.

So today I went to work and I spent time in my happy place with my happy people, those special needs children know what true love is because they expect nothing but give everything and that’s how people should be.

I am still hurting but each day that hurt will be less and less until it was all a distant memory.

~New Beginnings~

Em xo

~

A Day of memories and shattered dreams

Today has been one of those days that social media likes to remind you about how much your life has changed in a year…

Snapchat sent me memories of Belfast, smiles, happiness good times.

Facebook sent me the same memories

So these alone were enough to send me over the edge and then the big one!

My Ex came up on my Tinder…although I’ve been on Tinder for a while my heart wasn’t really in it and to be honest I just wanted to chat to people nothing serious, I’ve chatted with total dickheads, been unmatched because I wasn’t looking for one night stands and asked the most weird questions! But never did I expect my ex to go on Tinder (basically because he slagged off dating sites big style because his mum was on every dating site going and had loads of men at his house when he was young), SO yeah double standards or what?

I totally except that I am being unreasonable but you know what I want to be unreasonable today because he has just sunk the final knife in my chest..he told me I was his everything when infact I was NOTHING! and this is my final proof.

So in true ex style I have deleted all my memories off social media and now we never existed as a couple at all . It’s all been trashed and you know what I probably needed this to happen today because I now know that I am worth so much more than this. I deserve someone who is interested in ME, who want’s to do things with me, who wants to experience the future with me, who is proud of me, who desires me in every way. Not someone who wanted to shout me down, make me feel crap, gaslight me, ghost me .

So yes it’s the end.. im gutted, i’m heartbroken, I didn’t want to admit it but I hoped that he would want me back, that he would say sorry but I just knew he never would because he doesn’t do those things he has to control everyone and everything in his life…but no more…I am totally coming at this from hurt and I don’t care who knows it because that’s what normal people do. I lost myself 6 months ago, I’ve been through so much but it was worth it because I found me..I found beautiful Emily again and I know more than anything that I WILL SURVIVE ON MY OWN!.

So now I am off to bed to listen to my Spotify playlist, so if the dickhead reads this blog listed to this song because it is YOU…..

Dream Theater ~ Paralysed

~The best in life comes to those who care~

Em xo