Family is a big part of my life 5 people and 2 dogs living a crazy life of confusion and madness.
My mum is a support worker and my dad’s a telecommunication engineer, then there is my big bro Ben and my little sister Jess and the two mad dogs Lucky and Bonnie.
Some people just don’t get our family and to be honest sometimes I don’t get my family either.
My dad is really laid back with a sarcasm that would cut anyone down, his latest saying is “let me check my bothered pocket…ooh I’m all out of F**ks” nothing bothers him, nothing worries him (or not that he tells us) and he just hates anything about social media (which is probably no bad thing)
My mum on the other hand is a bit like Jekyll and Hyde one minute she’s calm and in control and the next thing she’s off ranting for England and believe me when she blows, she’s like a volcano and everyone should run the hell away. Even though she’s like that I know sometimes that she’s so stressed about all of us and work that she just can’t cope anymore. I know I don’t help her because I am hard work.
Me and mum argue…well she argues and I go silent that drives her mad and I really can’t explain why I do it but I kind of just go numb inside and can’t speak the words are just stuck in my throat because I can’t tell her what’s going through my head I don’t even know if there are words there or whether it is just a black cloud of nothing?
Mum has thrown things at me, she’s dragged me round the room by my hair, she’s thrown all my things over the floor, she’s swore at me, threatened to throw me out of the house, called me horrible names but through all of that she is still my mum who has a heart of gold who gets so frustrated with me for not speaking up for myself and for not being the best version of me I can be. I know she would give me the earth if she could to give me a better life. I don’t know how my mum survives with the stress of Ben, I think she is like superwoman with what she puts up with! My mum has had depression and so has my nan so it’s safe to say this runs in our family.
My ex and my mum didn’t get on, well they did, and they didn’t does that make sense?
Mum knew all about his complicated homelife and wanted to help him but at the same time she didn’t want me to really go out with him because she thought I would end up getting hurt. It was always a battle trying to please her and at the same time please him. I stupidly thought that telling him all about the things my mum had done and said it would make him think I understood him more, but really what it did was make him think that she was just like his mum and she just wasn’t but the more you spin the story the worse it is to try to take back.
When I think about things now and after I talked things through with my counsellor, I know that I should have spoken up to both because both were the same, they wanted to save me they wouldn’t let me be me.
I can see things clear now but at the time I did the usual Emily thing and buried my head in the sand and hoped it would all go away but it just got worse and out of control. It was like having two voices in my head all the time each arguing their shit pulling me apart, in my head I just screamed but no one could hear me because the silence was too loud.
When things were rough with my ex I would use my mum and dad as an excuse not to go to see him or let him come around to my house, I’d tell him that I had to look after my brother or sister or make stupid other excuses and I don’t honestly know why I did this I just did! The trouble with doing that is that he then hated my parents and blamed them for causing a rift between us, but they didn’t do that I did that because I’m messed up and I didn’t want to accept it at the time.
He thought I told my mum everything and was paranoid every time she even text, but I told her only what I wanted her to know. She’s my mum and sometimes a girl just needs her mum to offload to, but he didn’t understand that probably because he didn’t have that same kind of relationship with his mum. I should of stood up to him and said I want to speak to my mum instead of again being silent. So many misunderstandings all caused by me just not being honest.
My mum did loads of stuff for him, she let him stay at our house, she fed him, she dropped him off to places, she gave him advice, but all he ever thought was that she was interfering. Yes, she did interfere sometimes, and she admitted that she wanted us to split up more than once but not because she was a spiteful cow only because she could see the things, I didn’t want to see about myself. I created an almighty mess and I was happy for her to take the blame every time.
I never stuck up for her to him probably for a quiet life, but I should have done because she’s always been my biggest support, she has never walked away from helping me and that’s what makes her special she does give a shit about people and she would fight for our family to the end.
I wish my ex could of seen that what my mum does is what most other mums do they fight for their kids no matter what instead he just disliked her and wanted to argue with her (stupid thing to do if anyone knows my mum as she could argue anyone down).
We can all look back and say things after it’s happened that’s the easy part and for me this was a lesson learned that I should not let anyone control my thoughts, feelings or actions. Emily is in control of Emily now it’s just a shame that it took me 19 years to get to this point!
~No family is perfect we argue, we fight we even stop talking to each other at times but in the end, family is family…the love will always be there~