Relationships… This is a difficult one for me and I don’t know whether I will even be able to finish this blog…
I have had crushes and boyfriends like everyone else, but I have now built my walls so high up that it will take a lot to bring them down. Everyone hates heart breaks right? You just want to protect yourself it’s a natural reaction.
I am going to start this blog with my first boyfriend in high school. This relationship, to me, was forced by our parents. This lad (who I will call Charlie) had his own personal issues and I was with him in my class in year 7 (TLC). I was always put next to him in class as I was a ‘calming influence’ that’s great but I felt a lot of pressure from all sides. At times we were really good and had loads of fun but we also had a lot of very bad times. I loved his family and I remember his dad’s chicken in a basket meal so much ha! To this day I still remind his parents of this. It’s hard to know which bits of this relationship to address but one things that sticks with me is he said that I swore at him and till this day I still say that I 100% did not swear at him! (I know that sounds so trivial but as my life went on it seemed to bug me even more because he was actually calling me a liar and I had no way to defend myself) Looking back at this relationship now I know that I didn’t feel the right feelings towards him (although at that age you think it’s the love of your life) but I did see him as a friend a good friend.
Cut the story short, Charlie has blocked and ignored me for about 7 years now! (I know, how could he do that!) The reason is I was not a very nice person as I didn’t ‘fit in’ in high school so I was a bitch towards him to try and ‘fit in’ I regret this now but I cannot roll back time and it is what it is, a lot of his friends didn’t help either because they liked to ‘stir’ shit about me one in particular actually asked me out but then decided to tell Charlie that it was me that asked him out…nice lad, but at least I know the truth of that story. Another reason that he doesn’t speak to me is that I didn’t tell him that I was moving bands in school and wouldn’t be with him anymore (he took this very personal). I did feel horrible about leaving him and then spent years trying to right all the wrongs that I did I bought him presents and cards on his birthday, I wrote a statement to school about how he needed to move to another school I literally would have done anything to be back friends but he just blanked me and never took any of the blame for anything. I watched a film called ‘Adam’ and the character has Aspergers and doesn’t forgive the girl in the story for breaking up with him and didn’t speak to her for 35 years so yep it looks like I’ll have at least another 28 years of silence from him, Ha!
Now it is time for the next lad. This next one wasn’t a relationship but my crush in year 10 and 11 (I will be calling him Harry). What can I say about Harry, he was a charmer and he had me wrapped around his little finger. He was in my ICT class and I always talked to him, he was funny but he knew I was insecure. Me and him got really close and he made my heart skip a beat just thinking about him. Unfortunately, he was the type of lad that spoke to 25 different other girls at the same time. I kept going back to him every time as he was a very good charmer, but I was a typical teenage girl really! I knew that we could never be together as he still saw me as this girl from the TLC in year 7 and I wasn’t good enough, I always felt like I was a dirty little secret. He’s got a lovely girlfriend now I just hope he treats her properly and has grown up from those days.
Not long after I started college I started dating this lovely, caring and funny lad who became my world for the nearly 3 years we were together (I will be calling him David). Me and David clicked straight away it was like I had known him for years, I love that about our relationship. I felt like I could finally be myself around someone and to be able to open to someone for the very first time for someone like me that was a massive deal. Talking to him made my heart just leap. We had great conversation despite everything that was going on at home with his mum. I only knew a small amount of things about his situation but I realised quickly that things were not good, He could never stay on the phone long because she was on one of her rants or taking his things off him.
Then we had Christmas and he bought me a gorgeous necklace and wrote such lovely words in a card (I don’t have many written memories from him so that was special) his mum didn’t know about us and I think he didn’t want her to know because she might try to cause trouble anyway my mum gave him a lift home one night and when we got to his house his mum ran down the street in her slippers and fluffy pyjamas after my mum’s car, she literally dragged us into the house wanting to get us to listen to her story about how David had lost his way and needed help. He cried because he thought he would lose me when I heard her stories he was so vulnerable and sad. We did have our good times, many times David made me feel happy and safe. I never had these type of feelings before and I loved feeling them as it made me so happy. We had memorable moments in london, rome, belfast and disneyland, these memories still makes me smile now.
I’m trying to write the next bit and it is making me so upset even thinking about it…David could be the most caring and kind person sometimes. When he wasn’t so serious about his mum he could be funny and just a lovely person to be around. He did support me in tough times even if I didn’t notice it or appreciate it enough then.
I can’t say it was all good because there was stuff about him that was challenging he would overthink things all the time and sometimes would overthink so much that he would cause an argument with people just for the hell of it (his mum mainly). He liked to be in control of situations and people and when things went bad he would be a very different person that I just didn’t know does that make sense? I helped him with his college work and tried to keep him focused but in the end I think I became more of a mentor rather than a girlfriend which made me feel like that was all he wanted me there for and I felt worthless. His obsession with his past and stuff just drove a wedge into our relationship because it was as if he couldn’t let go of all the hurt that had happened before I came along like he was stuck in a period of time that he couldn’t move on from. His mum didn’t help because she didn’t want him to grow up and be an adult she would go on and on about the past like it was some social script. Sometimes you just didn’t know which one of them was telling the truth because the stories were different but actually when you listened they were the same story just different endings. I know his mum loves him but she loves him too much and she had made his life so complicated. She needs help but she won’t admit it she would rather place the blame of what’s happened on to everyone else but herself. It is so sad because I can’t even imagine what it would have been like to live with someone like her. If I even spent an hour with her I thought my head was mashed. I saw her back in November and she wanted me to apologise?…hello why am I apologising? she hated me and would have done anything to get rid of me. So let’s face it she got what she wanted. She tried to cause a lot of trouble for me and my family and I’ll say it now honestly I hate her!. That makes me sound like such a horrible person but I can’t help but think that if she had been different then he would have been different too.
One of the things that I struggled with most with David was that he had no boundaries with girls I know lads can be friends with girls but I can’t explain it but he was just different about it all I felt like he wanted me to be jealous and i’m just not like that but in the end I was I was paranoid about not being good enough that other girls were better than me or that he would choose others over me and leave me because it felt like he was comparing me to other girls and highlighting all my bad points. I know I have many bad points but i’m not afraid to admit that I know I am blunt, I know I can come across as cold and uncaring but that’s just the way I am and I know I can be a right moody bitch sometimes.
One of the main reasons why things just weren’t right was that we didn’t tell each other the truth about things or how we were feeling we would just skim over problems and hope it would all be ok when it wasn’t because you just can’t do that with relationships, if there is no honesty then there is nothing. Even just admitting to each other when we had a bad day or were feeling down would have been a start but we couldn’t even do that. Most of the time it felt like I was trying to ‘save’ him and he was trying to ‘save’ me and in the end we both saved no one.
I ended things in such a cold way because I couldn’t deal with anything and I know I hurt him but i just didn’t know how else to do it because my head was so all over the place. It was horrible and looking back now the things that we said to each other were horrible and I actually feel like we ended up in a situation like him and his mum but this time I was playing his mum, just arguing, shouting, not wanting to listen and he was doing the same. WE created an almighty mess but each of us didn’t want to admit it.
I was definitely coming at this through hurt at that time because it all centred around him saying that he wanted me in his life but didn’t need me in his life, i’ll not lie I was crushed.
This all goes back to me trying to fix my wrongs and put things right and my need to understand why people do the things they do. I know now that there are some things that I can’t put right and there are some things that I will never understand but that I have to accept.
I’ve cried, i’ve shouted, I’ve been so angry but a lot has been because I was so unhappy with so many things all this with David just made me realise that I had to get help.
I’m not saying that i’m fixed all i’m saying is that I wanted to try and understand myself and why I do the things I do.
It takes two to work at relationships and without honestly things just fall apart FACT but you have to want to try and if you don’t and keep blaming each other then you just keep going round and round.
I will always have a special place in my heart for him and I hope he makes his dreams come true and I hope most of all that he will learn to accept help from others when he needs it, we all struggle at sometime in life but it’s how we reach out that matters.
I lost a big part of my life at the beginning of August but I needed to…I needed to fly on my own to start to find who Emily was again, Emily needed to make her own mistakes and most of all Emily needed to start to climb over that brick wall.
I am good enough, I am strong enough and I can do this!
~Love is unconditional, relationships are not~