As I said at the beginning of my blogs I decided to do this to help myself to heal, I’ve wrote about virtually the whole of my life and the things that have happened that have led me to this place in my head. I know some people will think that it is to get attention or to have a dig at people but it’s not its just me getting everything out there so that in the future no one can use my past against me. It is what it is and if you are reading this or following my blogs then I hope you see that I speak from truth and i’m a genuine person who wants to make a difference in this world even if it’s just a little one.
I’m now going to write a letter to myself, a letter that I want to finally help me to move on with my life. I’ve been wanting someone to send me this letter to help me understand how they feel but in my heart I know that I wouldn’t receive this because they can’t do it.
Thank you for the memories that we have shared, thank you for the good times and the laughter, thank you for helping me to reach my goal. I know things have not been all good and that we had some rough times but I don’t regret a moment of my life that I shared with you. I told you that I loved you to the moon and back and I meant that with all my heart i’m sorry for making you feel sad sometimes when I couldn’t explain how I was feeling.
Sorry for not being able to be honest with you about my thoughts and for not being brave enough to take a chance on us. I’m sorry for not seeing that you needed space to breathe and to grow in to yourself and to believe in yourself. I’m sorry that I didn’t realise that things were so bad in your head because may be I was focused on myself and my past and forgot about you. I’m sorry that I used silence to control situations and to avoid being honest.
I wish I could take a chance with people and with you and not always believe that in the end everyone will leave me anyway so it doesn’t matter. I wish I could not overthink every situation and then talk myself out of action. One day I will hopefully understand why I do these things and block these thoughts out of my head and hope it will all go away. I wish I could listen to listen and not listen to talk and I wish that I could let people in but I can’t and that’s not your fault it’s the way I am because it’s the way I cope to survive.
Please be happy and be the best person you can be I know you can do this.
So now I will go, I will leave and I will never come back in to your life because it is the last thing that I can do for you because I know that every time I make contact and then give silence again it gives you false hope that things might have changed. I will miss you but I want you to be happy in life and within yourself and to be happy with someone special who gives you everything that you want and need.
I did love you I hope you believe this.
I hope if they are reading this that they know that I loved them too with all my heart and that I wish that things were different.
~ One of the most courageous decisions you’ll ever make is to finally let go of what is hurting your heart and soul~