My first blog post this week…I’ve found myself writing on post it notes this week, just so I can put my feelings out there, because I know if I speak what is truthfully on my mind then the shit will hit the fan. Someone has come in to my life again and I don’t actually know why? this person makes me overthink on a big scale and they know exactly what they are doing every single time, they kill me with words and they kill me with their silence and If I say anything to confront this then I know I’m going to be in the wrong.
This person will never be able to tell me the truth, they will never be able to hold a conversation with me without me thinking they have a hidden agenda, may be they don’t, may be they do but either way it’s a toxic state in my head that I don’t need.
I 99% want to believe that they want to speak to me, I mean genuinely want me in their life, but then there is this 1% that thinks that I’ve been here before and that they only want me when there is no one else when their oxygen supply from someone else is running dry. This person has to be in control of any fall outs and you know what I let them do this because I just want a quiet life and because stupid me believes that things might be different…but it’s never different it’s always the same.
Is it wrong to want someone to shut the f*** up about their life and actually take an interest in my life? but I know they can’t because then they would turn it on me and say i’m selfish “Emily the world doesn’t just revolve around you you know?” I’m trying to have a normal conversation with them but I can’t because it’s not normal it’s being nice…no it’s not even being nice it’s being awkward because at any given time i’m thinking shit they are going to kick off and have a go at me again!.
The trouble is I keep opening the door to this conversation when I know it brings nothing to my life. Moving on is really hard especially when you want to go back to a time when this person was different, but then you know that you can never go back there because the ending will never change.
I know this blog might be confusing but I wanted to put it out there for anyone else who has ever felt confused over a person’s motives.
I took a big risk putting this blog page up because I know there are so many people who would want to use my past against me especially to say “look at Emily she has no friends, she’s that sad that she writes a blog to tell everyone she’s sad” but I don’t actually care anymore because at least i’m honest. Not one person has to highlight my faults because I know what they are..
~ Be yourself ~