Yesterday was one of those reflection kind of days, the last year has been full of up’s and downs and this time last year I would never of said my life would be like it is now in more ways than one. Probably the main reflection being that I am now single. I did think I had found my forever boy but it wasn’t meant to be, in the end it’s safe to say we didn’t know each other at all, which is sad after nearly 3 years.
I made a decision yesterday though to draw a line and ‘forgive’. I will never forget the words that were said because when someone tells you they don’t ‘need’ you in their life and that ‘the world doesn’t evolve around you’ those words live in your head as a reminder of the pain. But I can’t let my whole life be on hold forever because I deserve to be happy. So I choose to forgive, I opened up all my social media (unblocked him) because I don’t need to be petty, I know he will never contact me because that’s not his style to make the first move, he will never open up to me and tell me the truth because he can’t handle the truth in any way.
For the first year of our relationship I would have believed that the sun was green if he had said that to me, I would have followed him to the ends of the earth. But at the end there was nothing but frustrations and un answered questions. He would tell me that it was all in my head and that I didn’t understand him, this was a continuous line of conversation. Yes I didn’t understand him because he never let me in, he never trusted me enough to be his whole world.
I hated the arguments, the constant feeling that I was not good enough, he would be so nice to other girls in front of me but treat me like I was nothing and half of the time he wouldn’t even tell people that I was his girlfriend, it was almost as if he didn’t want me to exist either as a partner, a friend or a person.
We went round and round the same conversations, the same lies, the same “nothing” every single day, then he would say the right words and I would think it’s alright again but it wasn’t because it could never be. He had to blame everyone, his mum, my mum, his friends, his dad, his nan and then ME!. But at the end of the say his life was HIS choice, his actions were HIS actions and no matter what I did it would never be right.
I wish it had been different but it wasn’t. I wish he would read this blog and think yes it’s all true, but it is really unlikely that he would read it because that would be admitting that he cared and he would never agree with what I have said because as my mum says “if you tell yourself a lie enough times it becomes the truth” and his lies would always be his truth.
To the outside he is Mr invincible, Mr perfect but to people who really know him he is Mr Broken. But it is not my concern anymore. I know he will have moved on to another girl now because that is what he does, he moves from person to person to find the answers, but the answers will never be there until he asks himself the real questions and he answers with the read answers.
I have to accept that no matter what I would have done it would not have changed the outcome and yes it’s sad but it is as it is.
So I move on and I am now willing to allow myself to be loved as I should be, like I deserve because I know I deserve happiness. I am not perfect far from it but I work on my insecurities and I am finally in a good place.
Life goes on and so will I ….
~Live for the moment~