Well I’ve been on another night shift last night so this blog might not make a lot of sense, if it doesn’t I apologise now ha!.. on a random thought I saw another C-section last night….triplets! (The brave mum!) and….I didn’t faint…so it was a good shift 🙂
Since I started the road to ’emotional freedom’ I know I definitely now look at things differently and the one thing is that I have really understood is that my depression was coming on long before I was diagnosed I just didn’t see it at the time but it’s as clear as anything now. I had no feelings, no emotions I was totally numb most of the time and I was just drained. Every time I tired to confront things my feelings got pushed back by someone so by July last year I just ‘existed’
If you asked my ex his version of events he would probably say I was paranoid or most definitely he would say “it’s your mums fault as she keeps interfering”, She did interfere, but why?…because she could see what was happening and was trying to make me see the light before it was too late. Did I listen? NO! because I didn’t want to admit the truth. Would he still blame my mum now…8 months on HELL YES! because it is all about the blame game with some people and they will never change, it has to be someone else’s fault never their own.
I have loads of faults but being real is not one of them, I know it won’t get me many friends in life but I don’t actually care anymore.
Am I different than I was 8 months ago?….YES….I am proud of how far I have come on my journey.
One of the things that my ex always used to go on about was me not having a lot of friends (mainly because of past experiences I don’t trust people not to shit on me basically!). It hasn’t changed i’ll 100% admit that. But the difference is that I am now happy in my own self so not having a lot of friends doesn’t matter to me. I can survive on my own after all I have done it for nearly 20 years. Being popular, being liked is just not my thing i’d rather be on my own than with people who are fake and shallow.
One of the things I have noticed since I dropped out of university is that some people treat me differently in the ‘online world’…it’s as if they think I am a failure at life because university wasn’t for me. I really don’t know why they have to think they are better than me because at the end of the day there are more students with mental health problems than ever. They are lonely, they are isolated and they are constantly in this battle that is the blame game…the real difference between me and them is that I am honest about what happened to me and how I am, but they are so far up their own arses that they can’t see the truth. They will…the hard way!
So whatever people come in to my life now they can like me for who I am and if they don’t…well off you go it is their loss!
When I was on my break last might I was scrolling through snapchat and the amount of people slagging off their so called friends was ridiculous, then there was the people tagging themselves in to so called ‘happy memories’…”out with…”…Yeah you’re out with but you’re sat on social media bragging about it!. So i’m really glad i’m not in this group of actions. I will happily stay on my own if it means I can have a quiet life.
Sorry, I went off the subject a bit then (ranting when tired is not good ha!). But the point is that people should stop blaming others for their mistakes, take responsibility and move on with life or you will never be happy!.
On that note Happy Easter Sunday to everyone, I’ve got a busy week of concerts this week. Take That on Tuesday and Tom Walker on Saturday….so for someone who doesn’t not have a lot of friends I think I’ve got a pretty good life at the min 🙂
Ooh and Happy 25th Wedding Anniversary to my mum and dad… they are what relationships are all about, they have been through so much crap together but they are still each others best friends…now that’s the kind of relationship I want!…it probably works because my dad is not on any social media ha!.
~Live for today and enjoy life~